Published on May 13th, 2015 | by Noel Thorne0
Chrononauts #3 Review
I feel like I’m wasting my time using words for this review – instead I should be using Bill and Ted gifs to more accurately put across how monumentally stupid Chrononauts #3 is.
Also, spoilers ahoy but the simple takeaway of this comic is: don’t bother.
The story so far: the Dudebro scientists, Dumb and Dumber, are “the world’s greatest minds” who’ve successfully achieved time travel – I know, it’s completely convincing! Using their rad chrono suits that totally show off their shredded bods, they make it back to Samarkand in 1504. But, bro – why’re we doing this for science and junk? Why not make scads of cash and sleep with all the ladies, yo?
So while the Dudebros take credit for stuff like Breaking Bad and Harry Potter (really!), their Mission Control try to stop them from having fun (read: behaving like impossibly irresponsible adolescents) by sending back a couple of heavily armed teams to extract them. Most of this issue is a Benny Hill-type car chase through time as the Dudebros try to outrun their former colleagues (at any rate, yakety sax was playing in my head while I was reading this drivel).
In no particular order, the pair of armoured cars and the Chrononauts’ roadster appear in Victorian London, a Roman circus, China during the construction of the Great Wall, and Kursk in 1943 in the middle of a battle. They literally appear on the field on an American football game in Miami, 1969, killing several players, before going to Dallas in 1963 and stopping the world’s most famous assassination from taking place.
There are literally no consequences to these idiots’ actions. It’s simply breath-taking how brazen every character’s actions are as they barrel through time – it’s like they’re playing GTA 5! How do supposedly scientific types change so radically once their work is validated? Some wafer-thin excuse about their lives not being so great in the present so they decide to screw up the future for everyone by obnoxiously hoarding money and women for their selfish appetites.
Is this supposed to be a comedy? There’s the “hilarious” visual of Dumb having to wear a woman’s gown (see the cover) for most of the issue but I’ve been laughing at the comic this whole time rather than with it. How bad can this comic get? It gets worse with each passing issue and it started off right down at zero.
Sean Murphy’s art is quite impressive, drawing the various eras superbly while also conveying the non-stop action well. It’s a very cinematic-looking comic, which is just as well as this storyboard got sold and Chrononauts will be appearing on screens in the near future! But Murphy’s art and Matt Hollingsworth’s ace colours are the only positives about this otherwise dismal mini-series.
With each of his recent books, I keep thinking Mark Millar couldn’t possibly get any lazier or more derivative: Starlight was the bottom, then it was MPH, now it’s Chrononauts and I’m not sure how he could get any worse but, if his track record is any indication, he’ll find a way somehow!
Actually, I take back the Bill and Ted analogy; those guys were stupid but they were good-hearted. The Chrononauts are not only dumb but they’re such scumbags you can’t possibly root for them. Thankfully, there’s only one more issue of this embarrassment before it’s over.
Writer: Mark Millar
Artist: Sean Gordon Murphy
Colourist: Matt Hollingsworth