Wrestling

Published on March 29th, 2015 | by Gareth Davies

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The Worst WrestleMania Matches Of All Time

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Hello. With WrestleMania 31 just around the corner, we take a look at some of the worst matches hosted by The Granddaddy Of Them All. Remember folks, you can’t hit a home run every time out. 

The Bushwhackers Vs The Fabulous Rougeaus W/ Jimmy Hart (WrestleMania V)

bushwhackers-rougeaus

The Bushwhackers used to be known as The Sheepherders, and were renowned for wild, brutal brawls where they would bleed like stuck pigs all over the place. Then they signed for the WWF and became a sardine loving comedy act that would march around in an exaggerated fashion, and lick the fans and each other faces for reasons that weren’t entirely clear. They literally went from a dangerous pair of lunatics to a couple of cuddly puppy dogs overnight.

All of which is way more interesting than this clunker. Despite Jimmy Hart’s best efforts and his amazing flying jacket, this one’s a disaster from the word go. It bores the crowd so much that not even two, yes two, Bushwhacker Battering Rams can wake them up. In the end – much like Alien Versus Predator – it doesn’t really matter which team wins, as it’s the rest of us who lose.

 

Roddy Piper Vs Mr. T. (WrestleMania 2)

WM2RPMT

Hey you! Yes you! You like watching shirtless men awkwardly cuddle each other right? You do?! Well then do I have the match for you!

Look, staging an orchestrated fight is really difficult. Especially when one of the participants has practically no ring experience. So putting on a fake boxing match instead, where you don’t have to worry about running the ropes or applying holds, makes a lot of sense. The problem is they end up taking that initial concept too far, and as such we get a solid seven minutes of little action other than Piper and T coming together, hugging, being separated by the ref, coming together again, hugging again, being separated by the ref again, and so on. Then when it comes time for some actual fisticuffs to fly, Mr. T hits the deck in such an unconvincing fashion you might as well stamp “Paris Hilton School of Acting” on his chest. Piper, in a bid to rescue this shambles starts bumping like he’s strapped to a rocket, which somehow looks even sillier. And then it ends with a bodyslam and a DQ, rendering the entire thing completely pointless. The reason? Almost certainly because the WWF hates you, everyone you’ve ever met, and everything you stand for.

Brock Lesnar Vs Goldberg W/ Special guest referee ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin (WrestleMania XX)

LesnarGoldberg

I’m not even sure this match deserves to be included on this list. The actual work in the ring between Lesnar and Goldberg is pretty good. Hell, it might even be one of the better Goldberg matches overall.

The problem is that word had leaked before the bout that both Brock and Bill would be heading on to pastures new after the final bell. The New York crowd took this to mean that both men were turning their backs on WWE, and as such booed them out of goddam building. Chants such as “You sold out” and the goodbye song rang around MSG before the match even started. And no matter what either man did, all they were met with was a chorus of jeers. In the end Lesnar flips those in attendance the bird, Goldberg drinks a beer, and Austin hits stunners on both men and gets a huge ovation. It’s like a classic tragedy, only without the laughs.

Owen Hart Vs Skinner (WrestleMania VIII)

OwenHartSkinner

Have you ever tried licking your elbow. You should try it. Right now in fact. Go on. You know, most people can’t do it. Give it a bash and see if you’re one of the chosen few. Seriously, we’ll wait.

Back? Good. How’d it go? If you’re answer is “a complete of waste of time” then you’ve obviously never seen the Rocket versus The Alligator Man. In the minute and a half this nonsense lasts Owen, who was easily one of the best wrestlers of his generation remember, doesn’t actually throw a single offensive move and yet still wins the match with a flash roll up. Why? Don’t know. It doesn’t make sense. Whatever. This sucks. Avoid.

Sable Vs Tori (WrestleMania XV)

SableTori

Before writing this I had to watch this match 6 times. Not because it was good of course. But because it involves two beautiful women wearing skin tight clothing, and still my mind kept wandering. “Man, that sideboard looks like it could do with a lick of paint”. “Hey, I wonder what Fred Savage is up to these days”. “What’s the deal with ostriches?”. That kind of thing.

In fact even now the only things I really remember about this sorry ordeal is Tori nearly breaking her own neck on a sunset flip (just try to picture that for a moment), Sable cocking up a bridge in to a backslide something fierce, and a press slam from Nicole Bass so ugly it could have turned milk sour. One to forget if you can.

The Undertaker Vs Giant Gonzalez (WrestleMania IX)

UnderTakerGonzalez

You know, that Albert Einstein was a smart dude. His theory of relativity tells us that time will pass faster or slower depending on where you are in the universe. For example, if you’re on the edge of a black hole, a thousand years can pass in the blink of an eye.

Now I know for a fact that this match only lasts six minutes and fifty four seconds. I know this because I’ve timed it with a stopwatch. Twice. Yet I can’t quite bring myself to believe it. And if you were to ask me how long this bout lasts, I’d swear to you it goes on for years. Decades even. Everything about this match, from the huge arse painted on the back of Giant Gonzalez’s tights, to Jim Ross and Randy Savage pretending they could smell chloroform from the announce desk (which begs the question, how come those two know what chloroform smells like?), is the wrestling equivalent of a flaming bag of dog turds. Gonzalez is regularly touted as the worst wrestler in the world ever. On this evidence even that title gives him way too much credit.

Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart Vs Mr. McMahon (WrestleMania XXVI)

BretHartVinceMcMahon

Thirteen years after the most controversial backstabbing in wrestling history, the victim returns to face the man who legitimately robbed him of his title and his dignity. So of course this feud is built on… Bret Hart faking a leg injury to trick Vince McMahon in to fighting him. Sigh.

To be fair this match would struggle to be a five star classic even if everything was equal. Vince McMahon isn’t a wrestler, and at this point was 64 years old and about as graceful as a hog on ice. Hart on the other hand can’t take bumps or do anything too strenuous thanks to his previous history with serious head injuries. So to cover for this, the decision was made that 12 members of the Hart family would help Bret beat seven shades of sunshine out of Vince McMahon for the best part of 15 minutes. No really. A dozen people. Kicking the crap out of an old man for quarter of an hour. This gets over so well in the arena that the live crowd responds with an uncomfortable silence. The Sun would later describe this match as “awful”, which considering its The Sun saying that tells you all you need to know.

Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts Vs. ‘The Model’ Rick Martel (WrestleMania VII)

JRobertsRMartel

There are two types of matches which are always guaranteed to blow. One is a scaffold match, a concept so daft no serious promotion has staged one in decades. The other is a blindfold match, less dangerous than a scaffold match but equally as stupid.

For some reason though the WWF lost their minds and booked Jake Roberts and Rick Martel in the latter for WrestleMania VII. Which meant lots of pointing, lots of stalling, and lots grabbing at thin air. At one point Jake falls out of ring. Then Martel waffles a chair against the post. Then both men stumble over each other. It’s like watching a drunk uncle dance at a wedding, just before he drops his trousers and starts singing Danny Boy. But not as fun, obviously.

 

All of these matches and this Sunday’s WrestleMania can be viewed on the WWE Network, available in the UK for £9.99 per month. Visit www.wwe.com for more details.

Gareth Davies
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Gareth Davies

Wrestling bore. Nerd without a cause. Gentle giant. Smiling assassin.
Gareth Davies
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